


The Ocean Makes Me Blue.

by ErykahChanel



Series: Pillow Talk. [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Comfort, Communication, Fluff, Heart-to-Heart, It's raining, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Magnus Bane is the sweetest boyfriend, Pillow Talk, Quiet nights in bed, mention of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 07:41:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15190037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErykahChanel/pseuds/ErykahChanel
Summary: With their one year anniversary a few weeks away, Magnus is curious as to why Alec isn't interested in going to the beach.Under the water you scream so loud, but the silence surrounds you,But I hear it loud and you fall in the deep and I'll always find you.





	The Ocean Makes Me Blue.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a topic that's somewhat difficult for me to write about without triggering myself, but I'm happy with how it turned out. I'm posting this from my iPhone at work, so if you see any mistakes, let me know! Enjoy. 
> 
> Also, I wrote this while listening to [Blue Ocean Floor by Justin Timberlake.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tr3NZNMD1fk)

Silence can be comfortable.  
  
Alec didn't know that until Magnus.  
  
Before, the only silences he knew had been tense, or awkward. Sometimes, when he was out on a mission with his bow raised and an arrow in place, the world would go quiet for a moment. The moment was brief – he thought he was imagining it most of the time – but for a fraction of a second, there was no sound. There was only him, his weapon, and his target. He'd fire an arrow, and the noise would return to his ears in a crash of sorts, like waves returning to the shore.  
  
The other silences weren't nearly as forgiving.  
  
The ones that came after he'd explained himself for the third time, and his parents did nothing but narrow their eyes, drawing in much needed breaths before delivering long winded speeches. Despite his towering frame, he always left the room feeling smaller than he'd ever been. Parents had a way of crushing you with words like no one else could.  
  
Silences with Magnus were different.  
  
Mornings in the loft spent drinking coffee, or tea, for Magnus. Curling up on opposite sides of the couch with a book in hand, content with losing themselves in the pages of a made-up world for a few hours. Nights in bed right after a shower, both too tired to do anything except pull each other closer and revel in the feeling of skin on skin before succumbing to a peaceful slumber.  
  
Silences can be comfortable, until they're not.  
  
"I don't want to go to any beaches." Alec said. They'd been in bed for nearly an hour, tossing and turning.  
  
Magnus paused in the middle of a turn, and rolled the opposite way to face Alec.  
  
"Why not?" He asked. He'd shown Alec countless brochures of his favorite islands, and was positive at least one of them would make for an excellent place to spend their first anniversary.  
  
Alec shifted, but didn't look at Magnus.  
  
Even when silence was uncomfortable, it was still silence. You could keep it until you decided to break it.  
  
_Why had he broken it?_  
  
"Alexander," Magnus nudged his hip. "You've been quiet all day. What's on your mind?"  
  
What wasn't on Alec's mind these days?  
  
He was happy enough, sure, but there were still days. Days where smiling and nodding took more effort than usual. Days when breathing was exhausting. Days when he felt guilty for having certain thoughts.  
  
Magnus wasn't stupid; he knew Alec like the back of his hand. He knew when he was alright and when he wasn't, and right now, the light was on, letting him see Alec's eyes. Fixed and unblinking while he pieced his thoughts together.  
  
He leaned over to kiss his shoulder, and laid there for a while, watching the rise and fall of his chest.  
  
Take your time, darling.  
  
"I wanted to drown." Alec said. "Not recently, but before- I thought about it before."  
  
Magnus lifted his head. "Before that night on the roof?"  
  
Alec nodded stiffly. "Way before that."  
  
There it was again; thick and heavy, damn near suffocating.  
  
_Silence_.  
  
This wasn't a secret between them. They'd touched on the topic before, but back then, it was too soon. Each conversation was a mere stitch on the line of a fresh wound. Magnus had been so caught up with watching Alec like a hawk, and Alec with learning to enjoy living, neither one of them had thought about the old wounds.  
  
Old wounds that festered when it was quiet, leaving Alec with nothing but echoes of old voices in his head telling him to jump amongst other things.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" Magnus held his breath as soon as he asked. Never mind Alec – did _he_ want to hear about it?  
  
It was easy to be strong when everything was loud and dangerous; not so much when things were quiet and serene.  
  
Alec felt around the middle of the bed until he came in contact with Magnus' hand, immediately grasping it.  
  
"I was twenty," He closed his eyes. "There was a mission, nothing unusual. We did what we had to do and got out of there, but I decided to walk back alone." He exhaled sharply.  
  
That night was fresh in his mind. Too fresh.  
  
"You don't have to tell me if you aren't ready," Magnus whispered.  
  
"I'm ready," Alec insisted. "Please, just-"  
  
"Come here."  
  
The pillows were in place before Alec had the chance to open his eyes. Magnus was propped up against the headboard, already positioned to pull Alec closer.  
  
Quiet moments like this were appreciated. When Alec was leaning against Magnus, feeling his heart beating against his back, and his lips near his ear. If they weren't too tired, Magnus would let his hands wander up and down Alec's sides before coming around to rest against his abdomen. Alec would tilt his head to the right, inviting Magnus to lean down and kiss the rune on his neck, which always resulted in nips and gentle swipes of his tongue to make Alec squirm.  
  
Tonight, Magnus' hands did wander, but he used them to run his fingers through Alec's hair, hoping to relax him some more.  
  
"I went down Brooklyn Bridge," Alec said. "It was raining. I wasn't even headed towards the Institute, and I couldn't stop looking down at the water. It was so dark, and cold, and I couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to-" He stopped himself again.  
  
Magnus was picturing it all too clearly. An Alec not much younger than the one in his arms, alone on the bridge in the middle of a downpour.  
  
He didn't like to think about it.  
  
"I didn't want to jump – not then," He sighed. "I wanted to sink."  
  
"Sink?"  
  
"Straight to the bottom," Alec swallowed roughly. "It was cold, but I was always cold. And empty. I thought that maybe the water would help."  
  
Magnus shook his head slowly. "Alexander, I'm sorry."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"I'm sorry you ever felt that way, even if it was only for a little while," He said.  
  
"Oh," Alec ran his fingertips over the skin of Magnus' thigh. "It's okay. I'm okay."  
  
"No you're not," Magnus said. "But you know what? That's okay. You said it was raining, right?"  
  
"Yeah," Alec looked out the window. "Like right now."  
  
They sat in silence for a few minutes, absorbing the gentle sounds of rain. Nights like these were perfect for lazy kisses and lazier hands, sliding over bodies and removing clothes as they went. For now, they could lie there and enjoy the noise. No howling winds, no roaring thunder - just the rain, soft and pure.  
  
"It can't rain all the time," Magnus murmured. "Alexander?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Look at me."  
  
Slowly, Alec turned in Magnus' embrace until he was braced above him, his hazel eyes meeting Magnus' dark brown ones. Unsurprisingly, both their eyes were glossy with unshed tears.  
  
"If you ever have those thoughts again, I want you to tell me, alright?" Magnus laid a hand on his cheek. "Flashbacks, ideation, triggers – I want to know."  
  
"I wanted to tell you." Alec leaned into his touch.  
  
Warm. Comforting. _Safe_.  
  
"Why didn't you?"  
  
"I felt guilty," Alec admitted. "You've been so good to me. I'm happier now than I've ever been. I wouldn't trade the life I have with you for anything, and knowing that I'd ever consider ending it makes me sick, Magnus." He let a few tears go, and Magnus had to marvel at him for a few seconds.  
  
He rarely told Alec how beautiful he was. There weren't nearly enough words in any language to encompass what Magnus wanted to say, so he preferred to show him. However, there was something about the way Alec looked with fresh tears rolling down his cheeks and clinging to his lashes that toed the line between breathtaking and heartbreaking.  
  
My darling Alexander. What a sight you are.  
  
"Don't," Magnus' voice hardened. "Don't ever feel guilty. You can talk to me about anything, even the things you wish you didn't have to."  
  
"I'm trying," Alec said. "I don't want there to be any secrets between us, but it's hard because it's _me_. I don't want you to feel like you're constantly having to take care of me."  
  
"Alexander," Magnus wiped the tears from his eyes. "Taking care of you is the best thing I'll ever do. With hugs, kisses, and every touch. I don't do it because I think I have to, or because I'm afraid something terrible will happen if I don't. I do it because I love you. All of you."  
  
" _Oh_." Alec breathed, dazed. What more was there to say?  
  
The man of his dreams had been looking at him every day for almost a year, seen every part of him, and loved him anyway. No conditions, no limits.  
  
"I love you too," He said. "So much. Please know that no matter what I've got going on in my head, all of me loves all of you." Magnus hummed and wrapped his arms around him, leaning in until their lips met.  
  
Alec sighed and lowered himself slightly, pressing his body against Magnus in a way that made them both sigh. This was the feeling he wished he could hold on to for months at a time. The slickness of Magnus' lips against his, the way his legs tightened around him. It was an experience all on its own, and he'd never grow tired of it.  
  
_Never._  
  
He pulled away to take a breath, but Magnus wasn't through with him yet. He kissed his jaw and moved up the side of his face until Alec smiled and moved over to lie beside him. The weight that once settled into the air between them was lifted, and they'd find it much easier to sleep tonight.  
  
"So no beaches," Magnus concluded.  
  
"No, not yet," Alec sighed. "One day, we will."  
  
"One day," Magnus agreed, scooting closer to Alec to study his face. "Now, what do you need?"  
  
_A clear head. A massage. A bigger blanket._  
  
"You."  
  
There was no more silence after that.


End file.
